Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart
and wait on the Lord.
This morning, while spending time with the Lord, I looked up the definition for WAIT. Two of the definitions caught my eye and spoke to my heart -- to be available or in readiness; to look forward to eagerly. I get it now! I am to wait on the Lord in expectation of what He desires for me and my life. I already know in part what I'm to be doing with my time and, with that, I must continue to do what I know I should be doing with a sense of expectation of what else He has in store. I'm not to get bogged down with figuring it out myself.
Last night I got upset because I couldn't really explain why I started crying AGAIN for the second time yesterday. The first time was when I read my last post to my husband, before publishing it yesterday. The second time was when I tried to talk about it a little more later in the evening. My husband told me I needed to let go of what I once did and not dwell on our past ministry; that, in doing so, I would discover more of what it is God would have me be about now. He also asked me if I would be content if all I ever did was take care of him and the kids (not that he believed that was all the Lord wanted me to do with my time...he just wanted me to face it head on and be honest with myself). I told him yes, as long as I knew for certain that's what the Lord wanted and I wasn't just taking the easy way out by not serving Him in other ways.
While living in Texas, I worked full-time; both with the church and at a job that was pretty demanding. I loved them both. At church, I led our praise team, worked with the youth and taught women's bible studies periodically. In my secular job, I worked for the CFO and two VPs in a very fast-paced environment, but I loved what I did and the people I worked with. I knew God was using me in both places. Sure, it was overwhelming at times, especially when my husband left for chaplain training for three months and I continued to work and take care of everything else, but I knew it was God's will for my life at the time. By the time I left I was looking forward to change!
Moving here was exciting. Giving up a career and a ministry I loved was not easy, but I was willing and ready for whatever the Lord had in store. To be honest, I had in my mind what I thought it would look like going back into the military. It doesn't quite look the way I imagined it would, but that's okay, too! The show Army Wives probably caused some of my expectations to soar and reality just didn't meet those expectations. I didn't make friends right off the bat, my neighbors weren't coming over to welcome us to the neighborhood and bringing us cookies (joking). In fact, it was quite the opposite; no one seemed too thrilled about a chaplain moving in next to them. That was probably the most disheartening thing that happened. I missed our older children terribly. I missed our families and friends. I missed our church. I missed being involved in ministry as I knew it. But...
I believe everything happens for a reason. God moved us here to be about a different kind of ministry. My husband even went through the "what is it I'm supposed to do?" phase (so I know this is all normal), even having his title as chaplain. Now he's seeing it and ministering in ways he never imagined he ever would be. He's seeing God work and he's excited to be a part of it. I have those days as well. Days where I see first-hand God touching lives; I experience the joy of ministering with my husband, in small ways (like the cheeseburger ministry and preparing song sheets for the field services and so on). I love those moments! I guess it's me wanting more. I found that as I drew closer to the Lord last week He was telling me to continue to do that; to desire to just spend time with Him more, to love Him more, to place my time with Him above all else, and so on...
Is just being a stay-at-home mom/wife enough for me? Sure! If that is what the Lord desires for me. What does it look like now that my kids are older and in school all day? I have no clue! Is asking the Lord to show me where I fit in here OK? Sure! Must I be patient? Yes! A light bulb went off in my head this morning...it's all in how I wait though. Today I understand that to wait is to be available or in readiness; to look forward to eagerly whatever it is the Lord has for me and wants me to learn during this time in my life. It's trusting in Him for He knows the plans He has for me and my family; He knows better than I what I should be about. So, I wait. Not as I waited last month or last week or even yesterday. I wait, being available. I wait, looking forward in anticipation. I wait, continually praying and supporting my husband, praying for our Soldiers and their families, praying for my children, ministering to people through my blog (God showed me this truly is a ministry!). I wait, trusting God with my life and knowing He is right here beside me every step of the way!