I know...it's been a long time! Even for someone who loves to write, there are certain times it's just hard to put into writing what my heart feels.
A little over a week ago, I was given a calendar during our FRG meeting that I didn't really think a whole lot about at the time, but the next day at work I was writing down all the days off my husband will have before he deploys and it hit me like a ton of bricks - I was holding three months in my hand (April, May and June)...the last of the time left before he would leave for ONE YEAR!
ONE WHOLE YEAR (minus two weeks of R & R!) without the love of my life, my best friend, my favorite person in the whole world...
Since that day, every night when I roll over and feel his body next to mine in the middle of the night, I feel the sadness come over me. Some nights I cry. Some nights I try to hold him close without waking him. Some nights I imagine that day when he'll have to walk away from us and wonder how much agony he will go through. Some nights I imagine what the day of his return will be like. Some nights I think about the unthinkable and ask God to bring him home safely to us. Some nights I simply ask the Lord to help me to be strong and help me fall back asleep.
A few times I've cried at random, weird moments. Like the moment we got in the car after walking through the camping section at a store yesterday. We just ran in to get a baseball cap for the twins and wandered that direction and BAM! it hits me...this summer won't be the same. Everyone else in the car was talking about baseball, since the boys had just found out they made the team, and I'm crying like a baby and trying to hide it. My husband mentions to me a lot how he wonders how much the twins will change in the year he is gone, especially now that they have braces. I know it makes him sad.
See why I haven't blogged lately...haha! When I type it all out I feel like I sound so down or something. I'm not though! I know the One who brings strength and encouragement and peace that passes all understanding. I certainly can't explain it any other way! I still smile. I still feel joy and peace even knowing it won't be easy. I still trust God with His plans for our lives, knowing this is His plan for my husband to minister to the soldiers that He places under his care. In fact, just this Friday, as I watched soldiers march on both sides of my car as I drove to work and they went about their weekly road march, I was filled with joy that he will be there for our country's brave men when they face difficult moments. I wouldn't want it any other way because I know it's the Lord's will.