I was cleaning my kitchen, listening to Casting Crowns, when the lyrics of one part of the song, Somewhere in the Middle, caught my attention. The words, "somewhere between who I was and who you're making me, somewhere in the middle, you'll find me..." first caught my attention. I was singing the song without even thinking about it when I felt the Lord asking me to listen. Then the words, "...will we trade our dreams for his, or are we caught in the middle?... Lord I feel you in this place and I know you're by my side, loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle..." echoed in my ear and I felt like weeping.
I had to stop and turn it back to that song again so I could really listen...to the whole song. Not singing, but listening. What was God wanting me to hear?
There are moments when I can't really explain what I am feeling, but "caught in the middle" probably fits best. I realized that today. There are days when I love where I am, what we're about and where I see God at work. There are days when I don't feel that way. Days when I feel disconnected from other Army people, other chaplain families, and I want more. I wonder if there are others out there feeling just like me, but I don't know how to ask. How do you bring it up? How do you ask other women if they feel connected? I don't know!
I was talking with one of my friends earlier this morning, sharing the feelings I've been having from time to time, knowing she understood and many times feels the same way, and I realized maybe there is some way for me to reach out to those who are feeling like us. Maybe there is a way to bring us together to find encouragement in one another. Maybe some how, some way, I can help bridge the gap for others who might be feeling the same way in my area who haven't voiced it, and feel terribly alone in this adventure, to those who feel engaged.
I thought I could never really voice this on my blog because...well... I wasn't sure how I might come across when I say I feel disconnected/not a part of a group, but then the Lord reminded me that if we never speak up we might possibly never make a difference, and it may be just what not only I need, but many other chaplain wives/military wives need.
I don't have the answer. I only ask that people join me in prayer about this, or let me know if you, too, feel disconnected from your chaplain community or military community and maybe we can work together to come up with a way to connect people. I know there are programs and activities out there that are supposed to help, but sometimes it's just not what works for some people. It doesn't mean it's wrong, or not being done the right way. I'm not at all saying that. I'm just asking the Lord to show me how to connect/help other people to feel connected in maybe a different way. I want to make a difference in my community, and if it means that I have to make myself vulnerable I will.
I don't want to walk into a group of people and feel alone, and I don't want anyone else to either. How can I help? I know God will give me the answer in his timing, and that I need to remember always that He is right by my side in this small struggle. For those reading, I pray you know I love living God's dream for my life and my family. I love that He called us to this, and we will follow wherever He leads. With any walk of life, there are struggles. If the Lord desires that I feel the disconnect and that I just continue to lean on Him then I am willing to walk this road. But, if He's calling me to speak out for His glory I will do that as well.
As I was about to close this, the song Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus began to play. How amazing is that!
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust you! ...oh for grace to trust you more... I love you, Lord. Thank you for walking this road with me, and before me. You knew the struggles I would face here. You knew long before I ever did, and yet you've allowed it. It's for your glory we are here, and I will continue to trust you every step of the way. You are my friend. You are the one who comes to me when I feel disconnected. You've given me a wonderful husband, wonderful kids, and a few wonderful friends here and I thank you for that. And, for the moments when I feel disconnected to my community, allow me to see other people who also feel that way and reach out to them. Amen.