I was cleaning my kitchen, listening to Casting Crowns, when the lyrics of one part of the song, Somewhere in the Middle, caught my attention. The words, "somewhere between who I was and who you're making me, somewhere in the middle, you'll find me..." first caught my attention. I was singing the song without even thinking about it when I felt the Lord asking me to listen. Then the words, "...will we trade our dreams for his, or are we caught in the middle?... Lord I feel you in this place and I know you're by my side, loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle..." echoed in my ear and I felt like weeping.
I had to stop and turn it back to that song again so I could really listen...to the whole song. Not singing, but listening. What was God wanting me to hear?
There are moments when I can't really explain what I am feeling, but "caught in the middle" probably fits best. I realized that today. There are days when I love where I am, what we're about and where I see God at work. There are days when I don't feel that way. Days when I feel disconnected from other Army people, other chaplain families, and I want more. I wonder if there are others out there feeling just like me, but I don't know how to ask. How do you bring it up? How do you ask other women if they feel connected? I don't know!
I was talking with one of my friends earlier this morning, sharing the feelings I've been having from time to time, knowing she understood and many times feels the same way, and I realized maybe there is some way for me to reach out to those who are feeling like us. Maybe there is a way to bring us together to find encouragement in one another. Maybe some how, some way, I can help bridge the gap for others who might be feeling the same way in my area who haven't voiced it, and feel terribly alone in this adventure, to those who feel engaged.
I thought I could never really voice this on my blog because...well... I wasn't sure how I might come across when I say I feel disconnected/not a part of a group, but then the Lord reminded me that if we never speak up we might possibly never make a difference, and it may be just what not only I need, but many other chaplain wives/military wives need.
I don't have the answer. I only ask that people join me in prayer about this, or let me know if you, too, feel disconnected from your chaplain community or military community and maybe we can work together to come up with a way to connect people. I know there are programs and activities out there that are supposed to help, but sometimes it's just not what works for some people. It doesn't mean it's wrong, or not being done the right way. I'm not at all saying that. I'm just asking the Lord to show me how to connect/help other people to feel connected in maybe a different way. I want to make a difference in my community, and if it means that I have to make myself vulnerable I will.
I don't want to walk into a group of people and feel alone, and I don't want anyone else to either. How can I help? I know God will give me the answer in his timing, and that I need to remember always that He is right by my side in this small struggle. For those reading, I pray you know I love living God's dream for my life and my family. I love that He called us to this, and we will follow wherever He leads. With any walk of life, there are struggles. If the Lord desires that I feel the disconnect and that I just continue to lean on Him then I am willing to walk this road. But, if He's calling me to speak out for His glory I will do that as well.
As I was about to close this, the song Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus began to play. How amazing is that!
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust you! ...oh for grace to trust you more... I love you, Lord. Thank you for walking this road with me, and before me. You knew the struggles I would face here. You knew long before I ever did, and yet you've allowed it. It's for your glory we are here, and I will continue to trust you every step of the way. You are my friend. You are the one who comes to me when I feel disconnected. You've given me a wonderful husband, wonderful kids, and a few wonderful friends here and I thank you for that. And, for the moments when I feel disconnected to my community, allow me to see other people who also feel that way and reach out to them. Amen.
5 comments:
Laura,
I think from time to time we all feel disconnected. I know for me being in ministry fulltime with my husband you would think I would never feel this way but on numerous occassions I feel so alone and sometimes my heart is so burdened but yet feel like I have nobody to confide in. Sometimes I think it is just the devil trying to bring doubt, or depression or discontent but then I am reminded that sometimes we as Christians try to give satan too much credit...that is when I ask God to help me to shake off this dreary feeling and put someone in my life to pour into and He ALWAYS does. When I feel disconnected...I look for a new focus, a new group of ladies to pour into. Does any of this make sense, cuz I feel like I am rambling now.
Keep on ministering to those around you...God is using you and has many more opportunities for you! -Blessings, Laurie
Laurie,
What you said makes perfect sense. I know exactly what you mean, and know God has me where he wants me so he can grow me. Thank you for always being an encouragement. I'm so grateful that God has given me a wonderful husband to minister with and always be able to confide in. I'm grateful He's always given me at least one other person to confide in in our different ministries. I'm grateful for people like you who share their struggles, too. No one said life was going to be a piece of cake...and, slowly but surely, I'm learning to take it one small piece at a time. Thanks again for always reaching out, encouraging, and praying for me!
Well I cannot relate to what you are feeling Military wise but I can say it is definately ok to be vulnerable Laura, it is a new life and it takes a bit to find the nitch, You have done an awesome job while there, look at all you have accomplished and the support you are to Kevin and your kids. You are there for them and maybe thats all God wants for you right now. I know God has great plans to use you. Just relax into this new adventure because just by being there you are a testimony to many!!! Being right in the middle of Gods will is a testimony!! You have allot of support, I am here if you ever need to talk, no I don't know the ends and outs of Military life but I am a friend who listens well and cares.
I know God will use you in a mighty way, in his time.
Hope you are well!
Laura,
I often feel that disconnect that you wrote about, especially now, as we are caught between two worlds. We used to be full-time Army and now we're not, we weren't in ministry before and now we are, sort of. I feel like we are just floating along the crest of a deep chasm with one foot on either side, can't get our balance enough to step across to one side or the other.
I don't know if your transition into full-time Army Ministry was like our trip has been, but I just want to be there, I'm tired of the journey.
Bear still has a year left of schooling before his ordination, yet, it is so hard to wait.
He's active duty for the next 42 days as a CH Candidate doing ROTC training. The CH he's working with makes it very clear that Bear is only a CH Candidate. It is true yet it frustrates me.
The trip is long and I'm road weary already.
Thanks for a great post. I think I need to turn on the Christian Radio station today, and listen hard.
This post isn't about finding my nitch. I know there are several areas in which the Lord has shown me what my ministry is for the time being. In this post I'm talking more about being a part of a community, feeling connected to the Army community and the chaplain community. Both are difficult to really feel connected to. It's not at all like the show Army wives, as some might think, and at times can be discouraging when you walk into a group of people that you would hope you feel connected to, because you are all about the same thing, and don't. If there are other military or chaplain wives feeling that way, I would like to know. My prayer is that we can make it better!
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